Tuesday, May 31, 2011

MVM: You Belong with Taylor Swift

Music Video Mondays comes back from its hiatus with possibly the blandest, most inoffensive video to ever become controversial. The controversy behind "You Belong With Me" is, of course, more due to Kanye West than anyone else, but for that reason alone, this video's likely to become the one remembered among all the Beyoncé and Lady Gaga videos of the era.

Really, there's not much plot to this one--girl likes boy, boy has girlfriend--but it poses the same blonde vs. brunette questions that Gwen Stefani's "Cool" did, and like Gwen, Taylor is playing both sides of the coin here. Let's take a closer look and see some of the drama behind the façade.


The video starts with a look at our hunky love interest:
...played by gorgeous blonde Lucas Till. Pedophiles Miley Cyrus fans in the audience might recognize him from The Hannah Montana Movie. I recognize him from this video. (Props for the pre-Biebs haircut!)
Because Taylor has not yet made herself a Facebook page to stalk hunky blonde boys on just yet, she resorts to creeping on him through her bedroom window. Though you gotta question his judgment leaving the curtain open. We're expected to see the gorgeous Taylor Swift as an ugly girl because she wears glasses and reads. That horrendous-looking bitch. She makes me want to vomit.

"Why is that crazy bitch next door staring at me?"

Naturally, since he's creeped out, he closes the window. (Yeah, technically he responds first, but let's be real, he's just being nice.) Then she almost shows him this:

But oh no. Taylor doesn't stop there. She proceeds to try on a series of really unflattering outfits, escalating in their (and her) ugliness. One of said outfits:

Despite "Raggedy Ann as a Japanese Goth as Taylor Swift"'s best O-face, all hunky blonde boy does is peek at her:

And sees this:

Laughing at her poor "Locomotion" dance, he pities her when she's reading a book (who does that?) on the bus bench (a breeding ground for social outcasts and ads for DWI lawyers).

Hunky blonde boy tolerates her presence for almost thirty seconds (a record!) and even touches her (a HAZMAT team was called) before his hot girlfriend pulls up.


This video teaches us the lesson that blonde is only okay on hunky teenage boys. If you're going to be a hot chick, you best be brunette and drive a convertible. Like Barbie. Except, you know, brunette.

Brunette Barbie gets that hunk of deliciousness all over her. No HAZMAT team needed for that babe.

(If we can have a serious conversation about T-Swift for a moment--and we cannot--don't you think she looks better as a blonde? I think she kinda looks like a Skipper doll here. Remember Skipper? Barbie's tomboy friend? Lord knows she was the whore of the doll world whereas Barbie saved herself for marriage. Before leaving Ken to go be with that ugly Aussie. This is one strange tangent.)

Of course Brunette Barbie is a cheerleader. That fabulous bitch.

Of course Ugly Taylor is a band geek. And not even a sexually active band geek. She would have nowhere to sit in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

Brunette Barbie flirts with Brunette Hunk thinking that he's much hotter (he's not)...

...which pisses off (much hotter) blonde hunk.

In a depressed and desperate state, hunky blonde boy asks the hideous blonde with glasses like Harry Potter if she's going to the prom.

Of course you are.

But even a blonde bitch as gorgeous nasty as Taylor can whip up an adorable dress on the spot...

Anyone notice that Taylor loves her white? She's always dressing up in white. Bitch, you dated Jake Gyllenhaal. No one's believing the virgin thing.

Anyway, her ozone-depleting ugliness finally tamed, Taylor manages to steal the boy away from this whore:

Eat it up, bitch. Blondes rule the world.

And turns out the guy's just as much of a creeper as she is! They belong together! Blondes rule as long as they put a dress on and tame their inherent ugliness. That's the moral of the story, right? Right?

Do you have a hunky blonde boy that belongs with you? Are you also repulsed by Blonde Taylor's hideousness? Take it to the comments!

We're running a day or two behind here. Give us a little bit to get the new Netflix Pix up.

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