MVM: I Know We're Cool

Another installment of Music Video Mondays for you guys! We premiered this series in 2011 with Rebecca Black's magnum opus 'Friday', then took a trip back a decade to talk about a girl named Lucky. Let's land somewhere in the middle this week to talk about our favorite Aughts-era platinum blonde: Gwen Stefani. After breaking up with No Doubt, Stefani released her solo album Love. Angel. Music. Baby. in 2004, and launched an incredible five hit singles before finally crashing (on its sixth single, ironically called "Crash").

Preceded by "What You Waiting For?" and "Rich Girl," as well as the massively successful "Hollaback Girl," the song and video this week, "Cool," was the fourth of these singles and the slowest. Truly a shift in tone from the other fast-paced singles, "Cool" was actually quite lovely, a beautifully-performed song with an equally lovely video to accompany it. The whole point is that Stefani and her supposed ex-lover are now 'cool,' but really, you can feel the awkwardness bubbling throughout the video. Let's check it out!

We open on what we come to learn is a fabulous Italian villa belonging to Gwen Stefani (that is, the character in the story). Seriously, I'd give up food for a year for this thing. It's absolutely gorgeous. Gwen is preparing for the arrival of her ex-lover and his new fiancée. It's probably gonna be a little strange, but it's okay, because they're "cool." Hence the name of the song.

Gwen is wearing a leather top with a shiny skirt that we see for about one frame. It's unimportant. The hair is what's important. Gwen, you fabulous platinum blonde bitch, you. Show up that dumpy brunette whore your Hunky Italian Ex-Lover is wasting his time with.

Hunky Italian Ex-Lover is totally into the blonde hair. The new whore looks on with envy while Gwen resists his touch.

"Yeah, it's fabulous. You could've had this. But you went for that slut to your left. So hands off."

"Hi, I'm Sofia--" No one asked, Sofia. Don't bother introducing yourself.

Gwen appears to be humoring Sofia (I have no idea if that's her name, she just looks like a Sofia) by greeting her with a kiss. What Sofia doesn't know is that Gwen has mono. So suck on that, Sofia!

Having infected Sofia, she proceeds to make hers and Hunky Italian Ex-Lover's lives miserable by taking them around her ever-more-fabulous Italian villa. We also see the skirt for half a second. Don't bother looking, it's unimportant. Soak in the absolutely gorgeous furniture and Sofia eating her heart out. But we soon learn more about Gwen and Hunky Italian Ex-Lover's history...

In a shocking twist, Gwen herself used to be a brunette! Obviously this guy has a thing for brunettes. He also used to be all young and virile. He's hot both ways though.

Except when he's wearing that thing. Never wear that again, Hot Italian Ex-Lover. Never. Gwen, however, still cleans up as a dressed-down brunette. Why Hot Italian Ex-Lover left her for the completely unappealing Sofia is beyond me. Get your shit together, Hot Italian Ex-Lover.

We see a bunch of shots of Gwen writhing on a bed throughout the rest of the video, which I'm assuming is Gwen Stefani the singer instead of Gwen Stefani the character. Think of it like the difference between Lucky and Britney Spears last week. Anyway, she's writhing about while singing the song, which is a lovely ditty that sounds like a Cyndi Lauper throwback. The whole point of the song is that she's married now, her ex has a new girlfriend, and they're all totally cool with it. As we come to find out, she's nowhere near cool with it.

And why should she be? They were a totally hot young couple. Look at them, all Italian and the like. Also: want to live in Italy now please.

Gwen hands the lovely couple their coffee, and it's clearly been poisoned. Look at her face. That's totally a "take a bite, dearie" face. And Sofia is totally oblivious. Look forward to being dead by the end of the song. How "cool" will you be then, Sofia?

On the other hand, I'm rooting for Hot Italian Ex-Lover not to die. He's way too hot.

The couple touches hands and that makes Gwen livid.

That was once her hand touching Hot Italian Ex-Lover's!

Now it's Sofia's! (Bitch.)

She made poor Gwen Stefani (narrator/singer, not character) cry! Damn you, Sofia, upsetting both our Gwens!

Gwen invites Sofia over to the couch to kill her to check out Sofia's ring, or at least that's how it looks...

But in an actually-kinda-shocking-and-I'm-not-kidding twist, Gwen takes the ring off her finger and puts it on Sofia's! So, in essence, the whole reason for their visit is to get the ring back from Gwen so it can be given to Sofia!

Wow, I wonder how that proposal went. "Will you marry me? I have a ring, but it's still on the finger of my way-hotter ex-lover Gwen Stefani. Don't worry, she's not a super-hot blonde now or anything."

Look at those smiles. They want to kill each other. It's delicious.

Meanwhile, Gwen concocts a plan to kill both Hot Italian Ex-Lover and Sofia in one fell swoop while she sips her coffee. Sure, she may be saying they're "cool" and all, but really, it just takes one look. Diva is pissed her man has been taken by someone less hot and more Sofia-ish (don't ask me what it is, I just know) and is ready to whip her hair and take them out.

Thus, she leads them to their doom, death by drowning in the body of water lying outside the fabulous Italian villa. They won't even know what hit them...

Nah, it actually ends with the former couple sipping their cups concurrently while fondly remembering their kiss. And then she kills them by drowning.

...or they go frolic outside. Either one. (I prefer my ending.)

Have you ever invited over a Hot Italian Ex-Lover to give back the ring he gave you when he proposed? Did you meet his evil girlfriend and purposefully accidentally kill her in the body of water outside your fabulous Italian villa? Are you guys cool now? Take it to the comments!